Hello! Brief blog hiatus due to the many pressures of moving into your first apartment. Very happy to be back. A quick status update for those that are curious– no, we do not have a couch or dining table. Yes, I have a bed! My TaskRabbit is currently building it for me. As much as I’ve been taking on the heavy lifting, I know my limits– and assembling a bed was just not in the cards. I did, however, build a closet that is functioning at about 95% capability, which I’m quite proud of. 

As of late, I’ve had a few situations pop up that have tested my emotional growth and ignited a turbulent fire of ruminating thoughts. Witnessing the spiral in real time has created an opportunity for self-analysis. Why do we overthink? Why are all humans not privy to this wonderful feeling that plagues every day of my life? I don’t know if those who are blessed to be overthinkers all do it for the same reasons, but I’ve concluded that my ego is at the center of it all. I need to start thinking about myself less.

My ego is just too fragile. As some twisted form of self-defense, my brain has tricked itself into overthinking. Protection of ego – or, bluntly, embarrassment, rejection, failure, and judgment. And somehow, if I analyze a text, interaction, circumstance, or whatever it may be, enough times, it makes the chance of those fears resurrecting next to zero. Right? If I can just get ahead– if I can predict what another person is thinking or feeling, then I won’t be left feeling stupid. I won’t be left bearing my heart out in the open. I won’t ever feel like a fool, or inferior. I can play it cool, a perfect balance of astute and aloof, shielding myself from any potential insult to my ego. 

But in reality, instead of feeling stupid because I missed a message hidden between texts, I feel stupid because I’ve read the same text 20 times to see if maybe I just didn’t understand a piece of it before. I’ve plagued myself with a new illness, which has my brain working overtime and will never reach a satisfying resolution. 

In middle school, I used to be the last person to submit my tests. Not because it took me longer than anyone else, but because I would look over each question three times, double and triple checking that I read and answered it correctly. All in the belief that it was worth it if I aced my tests.

I’m starting to realize I’d prefer a B if it means I can finish 30 minutes earlier and leave class to frolic in the sun. 

But why am I still overthinking, even though I’ve come to these conclusions? Relinquishing control, even if a false sense of it, is a hefty task. When I really think about it, though, maybe I regain control by tuning out those thoughts. Because hasn’t it been controlling me, governing my decisions for the past however many years? Just food for thought.

My new goal is to give myself permission to look like an idiot. Or, really, to give myself permission to enter situations where there is a chance this feeling could bestow itself upon me. We’ll see what happens. I’ll keep you posted. Talk soon.

– L