This project has been a goal of mine for a little while now, but I had to put it on pause, because, drumroll please… I moved! Let’s catch up.

As I write this, I sit on a couple of floor cushions in my New York City apartment. Just under five months since I dropped out of college. A coffee table, rug, and a couple of lamps; that’s the extent of furnishings adorning this new space. The past week (not even) has been spent scouring Facebook Marketplace for furniture and decor to make this place feel like home. But the truth is disgustingly sappy– it already feels like home. 

I haven’t lived at home full-time since I was thirteen. Boarding school, gap year, another gap year, failed attempt at New York City college– whatever it’s been– the only constant has been a lack of consistency– and, consequently, a place to plant my roots and invest my emotions, time, and energy into. I’m not cut out to be a nomad. There’s something about being able to call a place home that makes everything worth it. That makes buying that new candle or cute painting purposeful and not just extra clutter for the next time you have to pack up.

A friend I love so dearly reached out at the perfect time and we decided to sign a lease together. The place we fell in love with is exactly six blocks from my childhood apartment. Funny how things work.

So much of this process and the months since I’ve left school has felt guided by some greater force working in my favor. I keep saying, “It’s kismet.” Which is funny, because I’ve never been one to believe in those things. But who knows, maybe I’ve changed my mind these past few months.

To be blunt, this fall was a terrible time for me. School was such a heinous fit– beyond what I could’ve imagined or prepared for– and I felt very lost within the walls of a place I kept trying to persuade myself could be home. And as I sit here, on the floor of my unfurnished apartment, I could not be happier that I decided it wasn’t and got the fuck out of there. 

For a moment there I had genuinely convinced myself that my life was a bust. After all the time I have spent working with numerous therapists on cultivating a more positive outlook on my future, it was so beyond devastating to almost instantly slip back into such a scarily familiar headspace.

But no more on that!! This is a positive post. This is my announcement to the world (the five people that will read this if I’m lucky) that things are looking upward in the world of Lily. So follow along if you like. Diaries and journals have never worked for me so we’re trying something new and etching my most vulnerable thoughts into my digital footprint for posterity. More soon!!

– L